I’ve sought love, peace and acceptance everywhere. I consistently found myself on winding roads, and in ditches, even in some head on collisions; of which, some were nearly fatal, BUT as always, God stepped in, destiny stepped in, and here I am today.
I remember studying people, to see what I could do to mimic them, in hopes that this would finally deliver me from the soul aches, and starvation I was experiencing. In hopes that they would “like” me, and I would finally find some sense of true belonging. After attempting this several times, in several relationships in my life I found myself triple-minded (This is a personal term of mines (lol) meaning I was confused, and didn’t know my beginning from my end. It felt as though each time this occurred, one thing was consistent- and that was I disliked myself a bit more than the last time, I judged myself a bit harder, and I was devastated more, as if I had not been down that winding road before. I had analyzed each circumstance to be completely separate and unrelated, until I woke up. I then recognized how each fall had the same underlying “slip”, if that makes sense. I recall an African Proverb that says ‘Don’t look where you fell, look where you slipped.” Each time, without fail when God was trying to give me solitude, and an opportunity for self-discovery, and healing it seemed that on the other hand there was opportunity for a new relationship platonically, or romantically. Out of my fears, and trying get quick fixes, you already know which option I chose each and every time.
I believe I had to go through those things, even in my free will for my soul to learn that health of my life depends on being single minded, and settling into ME. Once I planted myself, and decided to accept me I began to take root. I knew I had taken root, because things that would have traditionally moved me, maybe made me sway, but I remained. Over time I began to like this feeling of being Alysia. Being focused, and doing the hard work of self-discovery, and self-acceptance. In the beginning of this phase I remember literally asking God to send me butterflies, ladybugs, bees, and all. I wish I still had the Facebook post so I could show you proof. (LOL) Of course this was my metaphoric imagination speaking to God. I knew I need to be pollenated correctly, I knew I needed a new life. As I matured and began to blossom, it seems as though everything came to me. My bees, my water, my ladybug friends, everything. I learned if nothing else that when you are still in yourself, and you trust who you are created to be, everything falls into place. You don’t have to chase, you don’t have to beg or plea. Ever seen a flower move? 🙂
Since I’ve been through so much in my short time here, it takes everything in me to stay still. Not physically, but sustaining a posture of psycho-spiritual rest. Some days it takes things that I don’t possess. I have learned to seek out what I don’t have that will keep me where I need to be. Today, I choose me because God chose to manifest me in this time, space, and place for a divine purpose. A purpose that no other soul can fulfill. I have the courage to tell you, please give yourself a chance if you’ve been running from YOU. Nothing else can help you sleep at night. Stillness causes you to see things you have never seen before. Even on a “regular” day, nothing looks the same twice. It’s beautiful, it’s scary, it’s liberating, it’s painful, soul wrenching, yet soul quenching. The love you will begin to FEEL won’t compare to any other relationship. I’m married, and happily for 3 years and I can say I still choose ME. I hope this encourages you.